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Amy

freelance front-end web dev, Society 6 creator & travel writer - podcastaholic - IFPA-certified pilates instructor

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In the realm of unconscious sneakery, Apple takes the cake. Don’t believe me? Here’s my theory.

After attempting to remedy a disastrously slow video stream by a) switching computers, b) changing rooms and c) restarting the router, I peeled myself out of my puddle of sweat and started digging around for an ethernet cable. “Ridiculous! In this age, having to plug in my laptop to fix a constantly buffering live stream”. Droplets of aggravation dribble from the curve of my lower shin, down over my ankle and onto the tile floor. “Accio ethernet cable!

Pulling my computer off the bed and onto the desk, whipping the cable out of the drawer. I’m all set to plug and chug. But wait- wait just one goddamn second. There’s no hole. That’s right, I have lost the evolutionary ability to hardwire my own computer into the bloody router.

I actually have to sit down for a second to digest the stupidity of 1. the fact that I snappily purchased my 2015 Macbook Pro without even glancing at the port specs and 2. that I am, as such, forced to resurrect, dig up, defrost, resuscitate my late 2010 Failbook.

It comes to the rescue with a limp and a wheeze. Once white, this dinosaur now possesses a sticky dirty fingernail-colored sheen. When I crack open the lid something inside churns to the tune of a crank flashlight submerged in 6 inches of used vegetable oil. It’s a delight, really.

But in my desperate, hole-less time of need, Failbook has just the hardware I so desire. In goes the ethernet cable. I imagine a pipeline of crushed Lucky Charm steroids streaming into the computer’s dry innards.

Unfortunately, despite direct Lucky Charms connection, glorious Failbook’s software’s is so shit that the stream is even less bearable than before.

Back to the hole (whole) problem.

I get it that everyone uses wifi these days. But who gives Apple the right to take away the ability to NOT use wifi? And why the hell would they replace the ethernet cable’s prime real estate with a SECOND, that’s right SECOND, thunderbolt port? Who, in this decade’s tidepool of mindlessly mainstream, internet-browsing, candycrush saga-ing consumers will possibly need to plug in two external displays before they need to direct connect to a router?

Don’t even get me started on this year’s “new Macbook”, with its slim 13.1 mm waist and single lonely old type C connector. “It’s everything there is to love about Mac. In its purest form ever” says the website. “It’s the most inconvenient yet singlehandedly effective way to narrow our options and streamline our mindset” says I.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a slimmer laptop and less hassle with USB cable sizes. But I just have to wonder how much we’re being shaped when there’s one company that’s calling the shots.